Mike Rowe is making wine barrels with a Scottish guy. I don’t even care about the barrels, but I could listen to these two talk all day.

He’s at Saguin Moreau in Napa, and I always wondered what they did. They’re on a major thoroughfare, so I didn’t think they were a winery. Instead, they make barrels. Thanks, TV!

I found an apartment. My lease starts September 8th. I need to find movers now. Previously, I would have gathered my friends with promises of beer and pizza and be exhausted and sweaty and sore 10 hours later having finished everything myself after they all bailed four hours earlier — but now I have an obscenely large, incredibly expensive, totally awesome, 60 inch, super high-def, kick-your-ass TV. I’ve named him Ben, after the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, because, while there are several reasons to own an obscenely large, incredibly expensive, totally awesome, 60 inch, super high-def, kick-your-ass TV, football is right up there in the top 3. You can see the individual blades of grass on the football field. My television has a better view of the game than actually being at the stadium, on the 50 yard line, 5 rows back, and I know this from experience to be an indisputable fact.

So where was I? Oh, yeah, movers. I need movers because I need them to insure this hunk of awesome, because it’s really delicate and ever so pretty. I’m considering having them come in and pack everything up for me, too, because that increases the rate at which they insure your property — so instead of $0.60 per dollar (or a measly $2400) they would be liable for the whole cost. I just have to find out how much that costs, and if it is offset by not having to buy another television until 2020 (it has two HDMI ports, for God’s sake!).

Oh, and I get to have Jackson in my new apartment. I blatantly lied, though, on the application, and claimed his weight as 40 pounds even though he weighs 50. I don’t care — he’s a medium sized dog, and going off of weight is retarded. I know Greyhounds that weigh less than him, while being more than three times his size.

Jackson toy update: At Kim’s suggestion, I picked up two more Tuffie’s - these are levels 8 and 9, whereas the dinosaur thing was a level 7. So far, no damage, but they are kind of large and he doesn’t seem too interested in them. I mean, he plays with them, but he doesn’t try to open them; he carries them around, but he’s not trying to dive in to them, which is weird. I also bought him six more toys from Bamboo, in assorted sizes, and he seems to enjoy chewing at those.

Funny story — one of the Bamboo toys is just this long red stuffed tube, basically (like the one he destroyed in the previous pictures, but tougher), but it had a rope with a tennis ball attached to it, so you could play tug-of-war. Two minutes after getting the toy, Jackson has gnawed through the three-inch rock climbing rope and pulled the tennis ball free. He then proceeded to play with absolutely nothing else aside from that tennis ball for 10 straight days until it was then half a tennis ball and no longer bounced. It’s wonderful to come home from a 10 hour shift and find various sizes of ex-tennis ball lying everywhere. And you know what? I could have bought you a tennis ball for $0.95, you punk. Go play with the $10 toy it was attached to.

Jackson Toy Destruction Update, now with pictures!

Doozie Plush Sport Ball w/ Rope Soccer
As you can see in the original link, this did have ropes on each side. No more! 10 minutes from box to destruction.

Kong Xtreme Goodie Bone 7″

No picture, because it rubber, and he can not destroy it. I also never put treats in, so he likes it on the chewing merits alone.

Fire Hose Stretch n’Fetch Dog Toy

Four days to destruction. All in all a good toy, but not indestructible. And once he starts pulling the stuffing out, and gets most of it out, he completely loses interest.

Cheeky Squeaky Pets Dog Toy Milt
Cheeky Squeaky Pets Dog Toy Leghorn

Poor, poor Milt. He was gone — and I timed this with a stop watch — in 90 seconds. He took more time with Leghorn, because he decided to play with the squeaker aspect, but he lost interest after 15 minutes, ripped Leghorn open, and annihilated him.

Planet Dog Orbee Ball

This is actually really cool. It has a hole, but I didn’t put treats in it, so he doesn’t expect them. Instead, he chews and chews and chews. It’s a globe, and the continents are raised; he’s managed to eat some of the continents off, which is hilarious and, apparently, tasty. Double bonus: It bounces way better than the Kong, due to it’s spherical shape, so he’ll try to bring it to me to play, drop it, watch it bounce away, and go after it. Ad infinitum. Which means he is making his own fun, and leaving me alone.

Bamboo Combat Extreme Dog Toy Flying Cow

This fucker is indestructible. He’s managed to bend thestuffing in the center, so it flies irregularly, but he can’t crack it, no matter how he tries. I love Bamboo Combat Tested Dog Toys.

Pteradactyl Dog Toy 19In x 26In x 11In Gold

This toy took him 48 hours to crack a seam, which is amazing in and of itself. I thought it was that the toy was too large for him, but oh no: he dragged it everywhere, trying to break it open. Kim recommended Toughies level 9 toys (this was a level 7) but I can’t find any level 9’s. Ultimately better, but not awesome.

Oh, and, uh… he ripped the toys throat out:

Even more disturbing than that, I took a picture of the latest beanie baby to die at Jackson’s mouth. The bear is unscathed, except for missing a FACE.

….. So I ordered more Bamboo toys tonight.

Stupid Verizon with their stupid $700 phone bills. “Oh, this change you made on July 26? We backdated that to June 26 to get an extra $350 out of you.”

I’m used to a $330 bill. That covers a 3000 minute plan, two 250 text message plans, two data lines, and 1 extra phone. Seeing a bill for $677 nearly caused me to have a panic attack.

Now that Josh has moved over to his own plan, I went for 450 minutes a month ($39, and way more than I need, but preserves my “in” calling), $5.00 a month for 250 text messages, and the data card for $50. What Verizon did was backdate that change to June 26, so I was paying a 3000 minute plan, two 250 text message plans, two data lines, 1 extra phone (at $27 a month as its own account and not $9.99 family sharing) and 450 minute a month plan. They then attached the 450 minutes to the phone that made 1144 minutes of calls and gave the 3000 minute plan to the phone that made 90 minutes of calls ALL IN AN ATTEMPT TO DRIVE ME INSANE.

I got it all straightened out with a wonderfully helpful lady on the phone but that means the other lady I talked to on July 26 that I thought was also so nice totally messed everything up in an attempt to make me cry.

I did a lot of reading about leaving a dog home alone while you go to work. Now, I walk him in the morning when we get up, and I walk him in the night when I get home; I have a neighbor who comes over and lets him out once or twice an evening while I am away, and she takes him on little walks.

But he needs to be distracted. Jackson is an extremely hyper dog, and I can’t really stress this unless you’ve met him. He doesn’t stop, or wind down hardly at all. It takes a lot to tire him out.

The first thing I read was that he needs noise, so I have been leaving the TV upstairs on for him (I plan on buying a radio instead soon). He’ll be quite content sitting on the couch staring out the window (barking at the passerby) for hours on end; so much so, he’s crushing the couch cushions with his 50 pound weight.

However, of most tantamount importance is toys.

If you buy Jackson a pack of socks, he’ll be happy for hours. But only if you around to play tug of war with him.

Jackson really, really likes to destroy things. He has uncanny ability to meet a plush toy, find the smallest of seams, and rip it open in 15 minutes flat. These toys are not cheap, but they go fast. He also has a tendency, when the plush toy is shaped like some sort of animal, to rip its face off, suck the stuffing out through the face hole, and then drag the emaciated carcass around the house until, through tug of war, the poor skin of the stuffed animal is ripped in to tiny pieces. It’s fairly disturbing.

He has a Kong, which he loves, when it’s filled with yum yums. Once he digs the last of the treat out, he quickly loses interest. And since I don’t want him getting fat on treats, this isn’t an optimal solution.

Thus I discovered Dog.com, and perused their Tough Toys selection. These toys are specially designed for dogs that really chew and destroy toys. My purchases:

Doozie Plush Sport Ball w/ Rope Soccer
Kong Xtreme Goodie Bone 7″
Fire Hose Stretch n’Fetch Dog Toy
Cheeky Squeaky Pets Dog Toy Milt
Cheeky Squeaky Pets Dog Toy Leghorn
Planet Dog Orbee Ball
Bamboo Combat Extreme Dog Toy Flying Cow
Pteradactyl Dog Toy 19In x 26In x 11In Gold

First up! Doozie Plush Sport Ball w/ Rope Soccer. Time to destruction: 10 minutes.

Maybe this won’t work out so well.

Next up: Fire Hose Stretch n’Fetch Dog Toy. He was able to knaw the handle off in 10 minutes, and he broke the corners in the first day. However, it was 2 and a half days before he could start pulling stuffing out, and as it stands, the holes are very small, and should keep him occupied for a while yet.

The Bamboo Combat Extreme Dog Toy Flying Cow. This thing is, thus far, AWESOME. He hasn’t been able to scratch it. I can throw it, he can fetch, we can play tug of war, and in three days, no damage so far. I’m thinking this company may be worth the money.

Tomorrow, I will introduce another toy. I’ll keep you updated.

Jackson is currently freaking out about an incoming storm, running from living room window to front door to dining room window with every new crack of lightening, with the tiniest hint of thunder. The much more wizened and kittenish Cheshire couldn’t care less.

Did you watch the Logo/HRC debate last night? Do you wanna? Personal highlights include Hillary Clinton claiming that the federal marriage amendment would have “enshrined discrimination in the Constitution, for the first time ever!” I guess she forgot we used to count black people as 3/5 of a person, and that women couldn’t vote until 1920.

Also this exchange:

Melissa Ethridge: Do you think homosexuality is a choice or is it biological?
Bill Richardson: It’s a choice.
Melissa Ethridge: I don’t think you understand the question.

Click here to watch a brief yet important clip from last night’s debate.

“I do not believe that people running for President should be engaging in hypotheticals.”

THIS IS A PRIMARY DEBATE. EVERY QUESTION IS HYPOTHETICAL. WHAT WOULD YOU HYPOTHETICALLY DO IF YOU WERE HYPOTHETICALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT? Would you hypothetically cut taxes or hypothetically raise taxes? Would you hypothetically let the queers marry? How would you hypothetically go after bin Laden? How would you hypothetically create jobs?

If Kitty Dukakis were hypothetically raped and murdered, would you favor an irrevocable death penalty for the killer?

Basically, why should you hypothetically get my vote, Senator Clinton? After the last seven years of utter secrecy and wiretapping and signing statements and not being a part of any branch of government, I need to know that the next President will, hypothetically, believe in the rule of law.

The problem is, Hillary isn’t running for the hypothetical nomination. In her mind, she’s already won. She’s just waiting to be inaugurated in January 2009. She’s waiting to see who her hypothetical challenger will be, but she already believe it will be Gulliani. She’s not trying to win your hypothetical vote because she believes she already has it.

And also? Hillary turning to the camera and telling America there are somethings too important for her to tell the voters and getting booed for it was most important moment in a debate up to this point.

Maybe her disdain for hypotheticals is why she can’t seem to answer a damn question directly. I totally ganked this from Something Awful:

Ask me a question. Ask me any question.

I’ll answer it as Hillary would in any debate. Here, I’ll just use an example my brother asked earlier.

“What is the square root of 4?”

Answer: For years, I’ve though that the square root of four is an important issue! I’ve always looked at it as important, and I’ve had my team do research on it. I have a clear record of supporting the square root of four! But one thing is clear. George W. Bush doesn’t know the square rot of 4 and he never will. He doesn’t even care what the square root of four is! It doesn’t seem people are reacting much to this answer, SO NOW I AM GOING TO TALK LOUDER! GEORGE W. BUSH! WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS IN OFFICE WE HAD A BALANCED BUDGET! THE SQUARE ROOT OF 4 IS IMPORTANT!

And also the rebuttal:

To be fair, the same can be said of Obama.

Here is answer to a stock question.

What is the square root of four?

A: Look. We all know the answer to that is two. but that is not the real issue here. You’ve got to… you’ve got to… look at the bigger scope… etc

Furthermore, I believe all future debates should be held in a football stadium, surrounded by 15,000 booing teamsters.

The Bird, The Mouse, And The Sausage.

The entire population of a Philippines prison re-enacts the Michael Jackson Thriller video.

Here are some disturbing facts I learned on the radio on my drive home:

Allegheny County has more than 1,900 bridges. 450 of those are located in the city of Pittsburgh. Of that 450, 23% are labeled as structurally deficient. They didn’t give a number, but said that “several” are the truss type that collapsed in Minnesota. The state is now eagerly awaiting the report from Minnesota as to what happened, so we can run around frantically double checking all of our bridges.

Kim informs me that I have been a bad blogger. She’s right; I just really haven’t had much to say lately. So here’s a list of what I’ve been up to.

- Josh moved out on Monday. I am saddened that our relationship could not outlast the Bush administration. (That’s funny. It’s OK to laugh. It’s been my biggest laugh line for like two weeks now. Even my doctor gut laughed!)

- I get to start looking for apartments this weekend.

- I’m pretty certain I don’t walk Jackson in the mornings; he walks me.

- Pre-season football starts on Sunday, and I am looking forward to it.

- I have to mow the lawn tomorrow.

Terrifically exciting, right? Also, I am pretty sure Dick Cheney made that bridge collapse in order to keep Karl Rove out of this news cycle.

Kim is also bored, so I thought I would point you at some stuff I have been reading today:

New Microbial Lube Reported 85-100% Effective in Stopping the Transmission of HIV and Herpies

TSA Overstepping Their Authority And Screening City Bus Passangers

On Our Way to a Constitutional Crisis Picnic

Plastics Are Gonna Kill Us All