Gilyan has this brilliant habit of singing whenever she sees Obama. I will folllllllllloooooooooooooow him! Follooooooooww him wherever heeeeeeeeeeeeee maaaaay goooooooooooooo!

If you haven’t the time nor inclination to sit through a 22 minute speech (thought you really should) here are my two favorite quotes:

In the end, the argument we are having between the candidates in the last seven days is not just about the meaning of change. It’s about the meaning of hope. Some of my opponents appear scornful of the word; they think it speaks of naivete, passivity, and wishful thinking.

But that’s not what hope is. Hope is not blind optimism. It’s not ignoring the enormity of the task before us or the roadblocks that stand in our path. Yes, the lobbyists will fight us. Yes, the Republican attack dogs will go after us in the general election. Yes, the problems of poverty and climate change and failing schools will resist easy repair. I know – I’ve been on the streets, I’ve been in the courts. I’ve watched legislation die because the powerful held sway and good intentions weren’t fortified by political will, and I’ve watched a nation get mislead into war because no one had the judgment or the courage to ask the hard questions before we sent our troops to fight.

But I also know this. I know that hope has been the guiding force behind the most improbable changes this country has ever made. In the face of tyranny, it’s what led a band of colonists to rise up against an Empire. In the face of slavery, it’s what fueled the resistance of the slave and the abolitionist, and what allowed a President to chart a treacherous course to ensure that the nation would not continue half slave and half free. In the face of war and Depression, it’s what led the greatest of generations to free a continent and heal a nation. In the face of oppression, it’s what led young men and women to sit at lunch counters and brave fire hoses and march through the streets of Selma and Montgomery for freedom’s cause. That’s the power of hope – to imagine, and then work for, what had seemed impossible before.

That’s the change we seek. And that’s the change you can stand for in seven days.

There isn’t an ocean so deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, a mountain so high it could keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep KEEP ME AWAY

We’ve seen this script many times before. But I know that this time can be different.

Because I know that when the American people believe in something, it happens.

If you believe, then we can tell the lobbyists that their days of setting the agenda in Washington are over.

If you believe, then we can stop making promises to America’s workers and start delivering – jobs that pay, health care that’s affordable, pensions you can count on, and a tax cut for working Americans instead of the companies who send their jobs overseas .

If you believe, we can offer a world-class education to every child, and pay our teachers more, and make college dreams a reality for every American.

If you believe, we can save this planet and end our dependence on foreign oil.

If you believe, we can end this war, close Guantanamo, restore our standing, renew our diplomacy, and once again respect the Constitution of the United States of America .

That’s the future within our reach. That’s what hope is – that thing inside us that insists, despite all evidence to the contrary, that something better is waiting for us around the corner. But only if we’re willing to work for it and fight for it. To shed our fears and our doubts and our cynicism. To glory in the task before us of remaking this country block by block, precinct by precinct, county by county, state by state.

There is a moment in the life of every generation when, if we are to make our mark on history, this spirit must break through

This is the moment.

This is our time.

And if you will stand with me in seven days – if you will stand for change so that our children have the same chance that somebody gave us; if you’ll stand to keep the American dream alive for those who still hunger for opportunity and thirst for justice; if you’re ready to stop settling for what the cynics tell you you must accept, and finally reach for what you know is possible, then we will win this caucus, we will win this election, we will change the course of history, and the real journey – to heal a nation and repair the world – will have truly begun.

AWAY FROM HIS LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! Follow, I’ll follow, I’ll follow, from now until forever, forever, forever…

Josh called to tell me Obama made him cry. So it is with great pride and crossed fingers I tell you the following schedule:

Saturday Jackson and I leave for Chicago, where we will spend New Years with good friends. Back to Pittsburgh on the second to watch Barack steal the Iowa caucuses on the third. Friday, January 4, I will leave for Laconia, New Hampshire, where I will spend 5 days campaigning for Barack. This is huge to me — first time I have ever felt so passionately about a candidate, first time I have given money, first time I am laying my heart on the line to volunteer.

Don’t fuck this up, America.

So many posts tonight!

Fear not! The Daily Show and Colbert Report are coming back!

America’s Comedy Central television network has announced that ‘The Daily Show with Jon Stewart’ and ‘The Colbert Report’ with Stephen Colbert will return to air on January 7 2008, despite the ongoing and as-yet unresolved writer’s strike.

Both shows ceased production when the Writer’s Guild announced the strike, but will now return to work without their writers on board, should an agreement not be reached between now and January 7.

“We would like to return to work with our writers,” Stewart and Colbert announced in a joint statement.
“If we cannot, we would like to express our ambivalence, but without our writers we are unable to express something as nuanced as ambivalence.”

Many people have asked me whay they are coming back despite the strike and with no writers. Here’s the simple reason: Money. But not how you think. See, Colbert and Stewart both paid the entire backstage crew from their own pockets through the end of the ear. Technicians and stage hands eeks out an existence where all we hear about are multi-million dollar contracts for talent. No show, no pay for the techs. These guys, along with O’Brien and Letterman, are coming back to save the jobs of people unaffected by the strike.

And to give me some fucking sanity.

I have ever confidence they are working to get the writers back before January 7. If they don’t, the shows may be very different, but they will go one in order to feed and clothe the families of hundreds, if not thousands.

it’s not all about you, you know.

I am going to assume you don’t watch much PBS and go from there. Bill Moyer’s is such a great interviewer, and this one just makes me want to have Keith Olbermann’s babies even more.

http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/12142007/watch.html

Have you seen The Story of Stuff? Is it wrong of me to want to punch the woman in the video in the face?

Here’s what I took away from The Story of Stuff:

Quit yer bitchin’. This is called “progress.” You think this is so bad, go back to the Industrial Revolution. Or the Medieval ages, where you can die of polio and the black plague.

And quit yer bitchin’ about my cigarettes. We’re all gonna die of TOXINS AND POLLUTION, so suck it up. (Incidentally, the EPA says non-smokers can contract lung cancer from Radon, which is odorless, tasteless, invisible, and rises from the ground. It’s the number one cause of lung cancer in non-smokers. So seriously. Shut the fuck up.)

Only 4% of the US’s forests remain? Boo hoo. Do you know how big this land mass is? We saved the prettiest ones, and yet still managed a way to get people and goods across the country in a matter of days instead of months.

OMG! Eisenhower’s Economic Council suggested we — gasp! — sustain the economy by growing jobs and making stuff?! Yes, education and health care and sustainability and justice are also needed, but ARE NOT THE PURVIEW OF THE ECONOMICS COUNCIL.

And she’s blatantly fucking wrong about computers. Processors are backwards compatible to the motherboard to a certain extent, making the “need to chuck your computer every few years” a fucking lie. And she didn’t even mention everything else you can change out — the video card, the sound card, the memory — all to improve the performance of your existing computer.

She talks about “perceived obsolescence” and gives the example of computer monitors — her old CRT vs. her coworkers new LCD. She says this is a sign that she hasn’t CONSUMED. She leaves out the fact that LCD monitors cause less eye strain, meaning less health care costs; that they use way less energy than CRT’s (on a 19 inch monitor: 48 Watts compared to 160 Watts, making the LCD use LESS THAN A FUCKING LIGHT BULB); and are made using less plastic, metals, wires, and “toxins,” all of which help alleviate the problems she spelled out in “production,” and all of which led companies to change out to LCD’s in the first place! This isn’t a consumption race, but an ATTEMPT TO GO GREENER@!$%&#$!&

And then the video spends just a minute and a half on “another way,” stating you can help without giving any concrete answers on HOW. Very Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Yes, to an extent, I agree we live in a disposable culture, and yes, I wholeheartedly agree that we could find a better way to deal with our waste, but stop trying to make me feel bad about my television and mattress and pillows and toys. Fuck.

Last session, Senators Obama and Coburn got together to create an online, easily searchable database of government spending and contracts, in order to better allow the average citizen to see how their government operates. It met with resistance, because some fucktards don’t like transparency. When the media caught wind of it, though, it passed, and the site is now live.

It’s really awesome, if you’re a nerd like me. All sorts of information… Like the DoD spent over $180 million on beef and 2 million dollars on pickles in a single year. The government spends $337 million on soft drinks. They like candy, too:

HERSHEY FOODS CORP. $35,000,497
MARS INCORPORATED $51,787,064
NESTLE CO, INC $154,093,316
NABISCO BISCUIT CO $108,997,361
PHILIP MORRIS CO. $462,042,794

It raises lots of questions, too. Why did they buy $800,000 worth of screws from the Carlyle group over a two week period? And why is FEMA’s biggest expenditure “Hardware, Weapons System”? And why do they spend $13 million on pizza?

But here’s my favorite thing found thus far: The six-fold increase in Government Paper Shredding Contracts during the Bush Administration.

2000 $452,807
2001 $456,235
2002 $756,086
2003 $1,033,910
2004 $2,329,466
2005 $2,874,185
2006 $2,902,855
2007 2Q * Partial year $2,274,143

Merry Christmas, America!

In my head, this is the official Obama Campaign theme song.

A Swedish consultancy agency has calculated just how much time Santa must spend at each house, and the most efficient route he should take. According to Anders Larsson of the engineering consultancy Sweco, who spoke with Agence France-Presse recently, Santa needs to spend 34 microseconds at each stop.

“We estimated that there are 48 people per square kilometre on Earth, and 20m between each home. So if Santa leaves from Kyrgyzstan and travels against the Earth’s rotation he has 48 hours to deliver all the presents,” he said.

At each of those stops, he then has those 34 microseconds to land, slide down the chimney so as not to disturb the household, drop off the presents, nibble on the cookies and sip the milk, before retracing his steps, and leaving the telltale footprints and sleigh marks upon the roof.

And, at that speed, no doubt the cookies and milk are there to keep his metabolism up.

People, people, people. Stop trying to apply physics to Santa! Santa is magic, like unicorns and black people! And Kyrgyzstan? You totally made that country up. Oh, let’s practice real physics and make-believe geography! Do you honestly think elves would willingly live in Kyrgyzstan?

God I hate the Swedes.

The other night, my power went out.

My power went out, and left me alone in a noiseless apartment.

My tiny, dim lit flashlight led me to my candles. Flick, flick, and then there was light.

With no alternative for the noise I so crave in the dark of night, I turned to reading. I picked off of my “to read” shelf: “In the Shadow of No Towers,” by Art Spiegelman.

Art Spiegelman is amazing. He won a Pulitzer Prize for a comic book called Maus, chronicling his father’s struggle to survive in a concentration camp, as well as his own struggle with understanding his father. This is also a comic — a giant oversized one made of cardboard, detailing his emotional turmoil after 9/11. It has sat on my shelf for three years.

Three years.

Because I can’t deal with 9/11.

I can’t read about it. I can’t watch the footage. I can’t watch the movies or documentaries. Can’t.

Why? Not sure. I didn’t know anyone who died that day. But I remember where I was, what I thought, my feelings of helplessness, when I first cried. The things I have lost since then are incalculable. My sense of privacy. My belief in human decency. My love of country. My innocence, my naivety, my belief in the Better Angels of our Nature.

So I opened this book, and I read it. And it stunk. It stunk for all the same reasons that the movies and footage and documentaries stink — Perspective. Or rather, lack there of. It’s a beautiful book and this is how Art works through his pain, and that’s great. And I have no doubt that what he went through that day, in the shadow of those towers, is different and profound. But I went through that day, too. And so did you, and you, and you. It’s a collective experience, and we have not yet put it in to perspective. We won’t, not for a decade, at least.

It’s like two people suffering from cancer, comparing their treatments. We can rate and rank our liberal outrage, which this book has a lot of, but that’s not going to make the cancer better, and we can’t imagine living cancer free until we get some perspective.

Sorry, guys. I promise to be funny again tomorrow.

I feel like I am in some sort of goddamned news time warp. Let’s see:

- OJ Simpson arrested and will stand trial for a violent crime
- They’ve arrested the same three boys in the Natalie Halloway case, again
- A young woman who was married to a Peterson is missing and presumed dead at the bottom of a body of water

All we’re lacking is a missing congressional intern and a sex scandal.

The funniest thing I read all day was this headline on CNN:

President Bush: Faith key to international AIDS fight

I… I was pretty sure it was sex education and advancements in medicine… CNN also gives Story Highlights at the top of the page, in case you can’t be bothered to read the whole thing. This is a pure cut and paste, for the hilarity:

# Story Highlights
# Bush: Faith-based groups are “helping to defeat this epidemic one soul at a time”
# More than 2 million people have died of AIDS this year

So yeah, not much to say lately. Maybe you might want to check out this other thing I’ve been putting all my energy in to?